Jesus died for your sins. I put gyro meat on Nachos...who is your savior now?

Do you know what kills more people than serial killers every year....stairs.

CaptSMRT wrote:Do you know what kills more people than serial killers every year....stairs.

Hmmmm......I thought it was fat wives.

Qapod The Mortician wrote:

CaptSMRT wrote:Do you know what kills more people than serial killers every year....stairs.

Hmmmm......I thought it was fat wives.

Fat wives falling down the stairs are dangerous.

my shoe!

Aunt Bunny fell down the steps!!!

I went to the Doctor and said "Doctor, I think my leg's broke!" He said,"Come back when you're sure."

I went to a restaurant and asked "Waitress, do you have frog legs?" She said, "Yes I do", I said, "Then hop in the kitchen and get me a steak!"

CaptSMRT wrote:Do you know what kills more people than serial killers every year....stairs.

I thought it was TJ Oshie falling down in the playoffs!

I tried to kill my wife by beating her with a Bible...she rose from the grave three days later...and she didn't even forgive me...thanks for nothing Female Jesus.

Do you know who kills more people than Sharks every year...wives.

Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffeur."

CaptSMRT wrote:I tried to kill my wife by beating her with a Bible...she rose from the grave three days later...and she didn't even forgive me...thanks for nothing Female Jesus.

Holy shit, I just spit my beer all over my deck. That was ridiculously funny!

JMC-STL wrote:Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffeur."

"With my wife, I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday, to 'The best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? She was a woman.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy...I said "If you don't mind, I'd like to get a second opinion" he said "Okay you're ugly too"
...Rodney Dangerfield

"I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!"

My wife is so fat.....

I hate my wife.

Fat wives suck. Brother let me tell you, it’s every excuse in the book for my wife to stay fat.

"I can’t lose weight after having three kids."

"My back hurts."

"My knee hurts."

"My thyroid isn’t working correctly. (Although she has had it checked 3-4 times in the last 10 years and it is functioning normally)."

"I don’t have any time because of the kids."

"I am too tired."

"It's too hot outside."

It's too cold outside."

If she's not excusing herself to stay fat, she's lulling herself in to a false reality that she is actually not as fat as she really is. Like as long as she doesn't look in a mirror or see a picture of herself, then she's not really fat.

"I am in pretty good shape compared to her" ("her" being a nasty morbidly obese friend of hers.)

"I still have good muscle tone."

"I eat healthy."

"I am in decent shape."

Blah, blah, blah………. Give me a freaking break.

Now I have gone to almost extreme lengths to provide her with the time and facilities to exercise. There is an $800 treadmill in my basement that doubles as a clothes rack and I have told her to join a gym. I have offered to watch the kids every evening and on weekends to give her time to work out. Does she capitalize on any of these opportunities, NO she doesn’t. She just lies on the couch and complains about how tired she is. You have to get up and force yourself to make a change.

You have to find the time. I wake up at 5 am to go to the gym 4 days a week, and then I come home, make kids lunches for school, bring her majesty coffee in bed, then go to work. At work I run 3-5 miles three times a week during lunch. I pack my lunch and eat at my desk to give me the time to run. Make time, figure something out, stop with the negative attitude, and do something about your weight. You only have one person to blame and that is you, so stop blaming me, the kids, society, or some thin actress because she doesn’t look like a real woman. (Why the hell do women look at famous models and actresses and just blast them with insults? I don't look at famous guys and think, what an asshole for being in such good shape. WTF?)

The moral of the story is you can’t change anyone. Seriously, you can’t change ANYONE, even if you are married to them. If you smoke, only you can quit. If you drink too much, only you can stop. If you are fat, only you can lose the weight. No one can do it for you and no one can change your attitude.

All you men out there with fat wives, stop trying to change them. If they are fat it’s their problem not yours. Your only problem is you are stuck banging a fat woman for the rest of your life, if she lets you bang her at all. There is nothing like the social castration of marriage to suck the life out of a man. Your wife won’t have sex with you, but you can’t have sex with other women because you are married and it’s socially unacceptable. You can’t expect or demand your wife to have sex with you because she is a woman, and a woman has a right to say no even to her husband. Expecting your wife to have sex with you is socially unacceptable. (Thanks Oprah and Dr. Phil for that little slice of bullshit.) So you are stuck, socially castrated and your sex life is over before you turned 40. If your wife decides to have sex (every 2-3 months) you have to grit you teeth and bang a fat woman.

Marriage, what a joke.

Take my wife.

For the love of fuck, please take me wife.

"My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg."

Last week I had to pick up mine from across town during a rain shower. She told me to be careful because the thunder is loud! WTF?

Marriage is like the Lord of the Rings...when you put the ring on you become invisible and there is always this big red eye watching everything you do.

I agree with all of your rant with the exception of "take my wife" and "marriage sucks".

"One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida."